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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24560050">Ways of going back</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scoby/pseuds/Scoby'>Scoby</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Reylo therapy [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bossy BB-9E, Canon Universe, Comfort/Angst, Cuddling &amp; Snuggling, Dry Humping, During Canon, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, First Kiss, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Bond Sexual Situations (Star Wars), Holding Hands, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Light Angst, Melodrama, Mutual Pining, Rey Needs A Hug, Sexual Tension, Virgin Kylo Ren, Virgin Rey (Star Wars), Wordcount: 1.000-5.000</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 02:35:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,814</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24560050</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scoby/pseuds/Scoby</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A twist in the Force bond after Snoke’s death causes them to connect when and only when they share the same emotion.</p><p>-----</p><p>“It’s ok, sweetheart, I’m here.”<br/>She turns to look at him through tear-filled eyes.<br/>“No, it’s not ok. Don’t call me that when you're still <em>there</em>.”<br/>“There’s no going back for me”, he says through his own tears.<br/>“There are so many ways of going back."<br/></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Reylo therapy [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1791079</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Ways of going back</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kylo still sees crumbles of red salt under his bed. A droid has cleaned the whole room but his shoes were so full of it when he arrived from Crait that it will probably have to make several rounds to get everything out. The salt brings back last night’s nightmare of his former teacher.</p><p>He tries to not think about him and go past it to what happened afterwards. But it is not much better, as he sees again the face of Rey leaving him. He collapses down, sitting on the bed, rests his head on his hands and lets the tears come.</p><p>They start as little drops, almost like they were shy, considering how long it has been since he cried last time. But once he gives into them, as he thinks more and more of Rey and everything they cannot be together, the drops start flushing out as a stream. His whole body convulses with sobs. His head tilts back as he lets out a cry filled with the pain and the emptiness of his heart.</p><p>Like a response, Rey appears, sitting next to him, doing just the same. His own sorrow is pierced by an even deeper one: seeing Rey in pain.</p><p>“What’s wrong, Rey?” he asks through his tears.</p><p>She just sobs for a while until she finally gets out the words: “I miss you.”</p><p>“Then why did you…? Why did you…?” A new stream of fresh tears floods down his cheeks as he struggles to say the words:</p><p>“Why did you l-leave me?”</p><p>“You know it yourself. I can’t be what you want me to be for you.”</p><p>Black emptiness seems to swallow him as he feels almost totally powerless to help her. But one thing comes to his mind that he could still do. One that he expects would soothe himself, too. He turns more towards her but does not move any closer, just opens his slightly shaking arms.</p><p>Rey looks at him as if considering. He is almost about to give up. If Rey refused to take even his hand, why would his arms be any better? But turns out that for her they are much better. She moves closer, presses her wet cheek against his chest and wraps her arms around his waist, clinging to him like he could save her from drowning. He closes his arms around her shoulders and squeezes her tighter to himself, wetting her hair with his tears.</p><p>They stay there without talking, both still crying, until the contact soothes them enough that their tears run out. Rey lifts her gaze up to him, now with a smile. Her movement frightens him, bringing up the fear of losing her. And that is just what happens as the bond closes and her figure fades away from his arms.<br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
Rey struggles with the Falcon's hyperdrive once more. She has an idea now for how to patch together the cables, but they are refusing to obey her. As she gets stung by one more electric shock, she slams at the mess of cables and roars at it.</p><p>Then she sees him next to her. His hand is stretched out and from the expression on his face and the position of his fingers she can see that he is strangling somebody.</p><p>“You barbaric monster!” she yells.</p><p>From behind him, she hears Chewie’s offended growl.</p><p>Rey looks down, covers her eyes with her hand and breaths. When she looks up again, calmed down, she only sees Chewie staring at her.</p><p>“I’m sorry, I honestly didn’t mean you.” She hurries to hug him.<br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
Kylo lifts his feet on his chair so that the cleaning droid can vacuum under it. But he does not move his gaze from the holopad in front of him. He is browsing the holograms of their remaining fleet. It is still multiple times larger than the Resistance for sure, but it has suffered heavy losses and they will need reinforcements from somewhere. As his mind is busy thinking about where they could get them, his eyes wander to the cleaning droid.</p><p>It is now under the table, moving in a slow zigzag back and forth. His thoughts are interrupted as he hears something roll across the floor. BB-9E speeds under the table, bumps into the cleaning droid and starts beeping at it. As it takes out its arm and begins slapping the defenseless cleaning droid, he gets alarmed and dives under the table to separate the droids.</p><p>“What are you doing, BB-9E? It’s trying to do its job.”</p><p>BB-9E gives him an aggressive beep.</p><p>“Too slow? BB-9E, I’m the boss here. You don’t have to supervise other droids.”</p><p>He drops his forehead to his hand and has to laugh. As soon as he lets it out, he is faced with a laughing Rey, also sitting under his table behind the droids.</p><p>“What are you laughing at?” he asks her.</p><p>“I don’t remember anymore, I’ve been laughing all day. We’ve been on a very… funny mission.”</p><p>It strikes him that this might be how her life mostly is when he is not there to sabotage it. For himself, this is the first time he is laughing in several days.</p><p>“How about you?” she asks.</p><p>“Me? I’m just…” he is interrupted by a new burst of laughter as he is thinking about words for the situation. “I’m under my table with two droids who had an argument.”</p><p>“So am I under your table as well?”</p><p>When he nods, they both laugh.</p><p>“Considering the previous circumstances, maybe, if you would do this more often, we would meet more often.”</p><p>Right then it dawns on him, too.</p><p>“Exactly, Rey, you’re right, that’s how it works now.”</p><p>His eyes shine as he starts to analyze all the possible scenarios for how it happens. He looks at her and the space around her and tunes into the Force, looking for the mechanism there that keeps connecting them exactly in these situations.</p><p>Rey’s attention gets pulled into the way his lips faintly pucker when he is immersed in his research. She takes a heavier breath and her body seems to subtly flutter as her blushing face disappears from his view.<br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
The meeting takes forever. Everybody has their own opinion about how to restore the fleet. The same list of opinions has been repeated and argued over in several meetings already. And now that Kylo finally has the power to decide, he has no idea which is the best choice.</p><p>An accountant droid has explained him the costs, risks and possible returns for each option but the numbers do not seem to be telling him anything. He has tried to tune into the Force, but the Force seems quiet about this kind of matters. He has even asked his grandfather, but he is quiet about this as well. And how would he even know. He always had the Emperor above him to make the final decisions. Frustrated, Kylo slams his hands on the table and stands up.</p><p>“Fine! Authorization granted for everything. Recruit wherever you want, buy whatever ships you want, borrow credits if we don’t have enough. I’m done with this conversation.”</p><p>He walks out and leaves the officers excited about getting to work, each on their own project. Once he slides the door of his quarters shut behind him, he leans against it and lets out a long breath. His shoulders relax and his mind gets pleasantly empty.</p><p>The emptiness gives him space to notice that he misses Rey. Apparently, she is not stressed, frustrated and angry as often as he is and that is why he has not seen her in a while. He wonders if he could invite her in by guessing what she is feeling and tuning into it. She already hinted that he would most likely find her laughing.</p><p>He looks at his table and remembers the day when they sat under it. But the memory does not seem funny to him anymore. His mind gets more drawn to how exactly she threw her head back, mouth opening into an exhilarated giggle, the exposed skin on her neck and how the same skin would continue downwards and all around her. He feels his cock twitch as he imagines the smoothness and warmth of that skin under his hands and lips.</p><p>Then he sees her, standing right across the room from him. So this is what she is also feeling. Her cheeks keep blushing as he looks at her. Like it was a permission, he deliberately imagines away each piece of her clothing. As her eyes fall on the growing mound in his pants, a tremble passes through her body and her lower lip wanders between her teeth.</p><p>He cannot watch it without taking a step towards her, and then some more. She keeps backing away until her back meets his wall, right were her wall probably is as well.</p><p>“Don’t touch me”, she says when he has almost reached her. “Let’s just wait, for it to pass. It will pass for sure. It just takes one of us to think about something else, to go into another emotion.”</p><p>“Who goes first? Not me.”</p><p>He leans to the wall, one hand on each side of her head and arches his head over her. Even if this is the closest he can go, he would never stop this voluntarily. Not when he can feel the heat that her body radiates. Not when the air is so full of her scent. He has never smelled her this turned on before, and it is intoxicating. His fingers squeeze the wall as a replacement for her skin.</p><p>She is not ready to be the first one either. Her breathing keeps getting heavier as he devours her with his eyes. He closes in just a little bit closer, and her outbreaths start turning into subtle moans. Something turns her head from side to side and her hands start grasping her thighs and hips.</p><p>He has never seen or felt anything this arousing. His pants are way too tight for this. And she is way too close for him to keep his hands and mouth off her much longer. When she tilts her head up and looks into his eyes, lips swollen, blushed and open, he makes a slight movement of leaning down closer to her, straight towards the softness of her lips and the warm and wet interior of her mouth, but she shakes her head.</p><p>She closes her eyes and just breaths, enclosed in her cocoon between his body and the wall. And there they stay until he hears his door hiss open and something roll in.</p><p>When he turns to look, he sees BB-9E, pushing his cleaning droid in front of it. The sight makes him laugh again and Rey is gone.<br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
When he sees her appear in his bed at night with her back towards him, he knows right away what she is silently doing, because his own pillow is wet. He extends a hand to softly stroke her hair and says:</p><p>“It’s ok, sweetheart, I’m here.”</p><p>She turns to look at him through tear-filled eyes.</p><p>“No, it’s not ok. Don’t call me that when you're still <em>there</em>.”</p><p>“There’s no going back for me”, he says through his own tears.</p><p>“There are so many ways of going back. You just don’t care to see them. If you would be serious about me, you wouldn’t hesitate but you would find a way to leave. You would run or fly or walk or stagger or crawl or teleport or swim or dance or walk backwards or…”</p><p>Her desperate list ends in a convulsive sob. He clasps her hand on the pillow and squeezes it, his own sorrow being escalated by the one he is causing her. Hand in hand, they both cry themselves to sleep.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
He washes his hair with ferocious rubs and lets the cold water pour down on his body again. The freezing effect turns into briskness as he turns off the water and starts drying himself. He is walking to his closet to pick up clean clothes, still drying his hair with the towel, when it hits him again: the memory of Rey against the wall, whole body shuddering with heat, tilting her had back and sounding like an animal.</p><p>As soon as he lets the image take over his body and send a burn to his hips, he sees her. She lies right next to him on the floor, naked and immersed into touching herself, other hand squeezing her breast and the other one between her legs, back arched and a trail of glossy fluid wetting her inner thigh. As soon as she notices him, she grabs a blanket from somewhere and pulls it over her to cover herself, but just the flashing moment has been enough to put his head into a spin and get him wildly hard.</p><p>Rey turns to her side, face away from him, clutching her blanket. But he knows what she still feels, because she is not disappearing from his floor. He does not bother with clothes anymore but kneels down next to her. He feels very unsure about what to do, but the mad desire gives him courage to say:</p><p>“I think I could help you with that.”</p><p>She turns to her back again, still holding on to her blanket, but lifts her arms slightly and signals with her hands downwards towards her. Following her invitation, he covers her body with his, leaving the blanket between them. He is afraid of crushing her tiny body, but she does not stop pulling him closer until he has let his whole weight fall on her.</p><p>Her blanket is not thick. They feel each other easily through it. She lets out her intoxicating sounds any time he moves his hips against hers. His head is already next to hers and her neck so close that he cannot stop his lips from closing around it, and she does not stop him either.</p><p>He makes his way up her neck, then along her jaw, pressing impatient kisses on her skin. Or maybe they are not exactly kisses. He is just dying to get his mouth onto more of her and doing everything in his power to get his way. He makes it along her jawline up to the corner of her lips. The corner he has been watching for so long time, so hungry.</p><p>When he gently nudges his lips against hers, she turns her head away but tangles her hand into his damp hair, keeping his mouth against her neck. Her other hand she slides down towards his lower back, pushing down, signalling him to crush her more with his hips.</p><p>He marvels at her capacity to go so crazy with pleasure every time he presses on her. He has not seen or heard or imagined anything more beautiful, and he keeps whispering it into her ear.</p><p>When she gets impatient, too, she lets go of her grip of his hair and back and grabs his shoulders instead. With her other leg, she pushes on the ground to roll them over.</p><p>“Where are you?” she asks when she sees him slightly flinch when falling on his back.</p><p>“On the floor, but I don’t care.”</p><p>From the empty space next to them, she picks up a pillow and slides it under his head. Rest of the hardness of the floor he truly forgets soon, as he feels her rub against his erection. She leans on her hands to lift herself up, letting the blanket stay on him.</p><p>He slides his hands over her thighs to her hips to move them more. Carefully, slightly shaking, he lets the other hand wander upwards over her skin, the miraculous skin that he has spent so much time imagining. When he reaches her breast, he cautiously circles his thumb around the hardening nipple, looking for permission on her face.</p><p>She just lets out a heavy outbreath and lifts her other hand to cover his, locking it around her breast, still continuing the delicious movement of her hips. He still shifts their hands around, wanting to see again her breast deforming in her own hand. It strikes him blind to anything else.</p><p>“Rey, I’m going to smudge your blanket soon”, he manages to say through a haze of bliss.</p><p>“I don’t care.”</p><p>She goes on to ride him harder, until he feels his whole body drop into a free fall of pleasure and a stream of warm, sticky liquid flow on the already wet blanket and his lower belly.</p><p>Rey collapses back on him, her body still shaken by waves of delight. He lets his hand wander up and down her back. There they stay until she lifts her head and opens her mouth to say something. But the thought of it already pulls her into an amused smile and she fades away.<br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
The next meeting takes even longer because all the officers have results they want to present. The numbers of recruited stormtroopers and purchased ships flow through him as a steady mumble. Only one report catches his attention, when Hux says victoriously:</p><p>“We have finally found the Resistance base! It’s further than we thought but a squadron is already on the way. It will reach there in a couple of days.”</p><p>Just then he remembers it. This is the project Hux was pushing in every meeting: throwing all possible engineering into searching for the Resistance base, destroying it and adopting what would be left of the equipment. His argument always was that it would guarantee the First Order’s sovereignty in the galaxy and thus play time to build a bigger fleet. Last time, when authorizing everyone to do what they wanted, Kylo also authorized this project.</p><p>Not bothering to explain why, he dashes out of the room and sprints to his quarters. When she tells Rey, she will probably tell the whole Resistance, but it does not matter, as the highest priority is that she makes it out of the base before the squadron arrives.</p><p>He searches her everywhere.</p><p>He remembers a day from his childhood when his father came home after a job of smuggling mesoplasmic slime. He brought some of it secretly home, and they made together a surprise for her mother in her bed and laughed their heads off at how she screamed. The memory still makes him chuckle but not find Rey.</p><p>He brings back the picture of Snoke torturing Rey, until he is ready to kill him again or just kill anybody as a substitute. He recalls how Rey left him on Crait, until tears fall down his cheeks. And he tunes back into the memory of Rey’s naked body on his. It brings up an emotion that he is reluctant to let go of, but he forces himself to, because he does not find Rey there either. He moves on to the recollection of going to sleep as a child, hiding his head under his blanket, waiting for Snoke to appear… and there he finds her.</p><p>Why is she afraid? Do they already see the squadron? He gets even more terrified. Has he found her too late?</p><p>“What’s happening? What are you afraid of?” he asks with panic in his voice.</p><p>“I was just browsing different emotions. I missed you. How about you?”</p><p>“I was doing the same.” He lets out a slight sigh of relief but holds on to his image of Snoke in order to not lose the contact. ”There’s something I need to tell you.”</p><p>“Can we go somewhere else first? I don’t want to stay here.”</p><p>He does not know who or what she has been thinking about to get here, but she is clearly shivering of terror.</p><p>“Ok, where do you want to go?” he asks.</p><p>“Can we just be happy? I so much want to be happy with you.”</p><p>When she says it aloud, she already tunes into it and starts vanishing from his vision. He rushes behind her, discarding the memory of Snoke and taking both her fading hands in his.</p><p>It works. Warm bubbles fill up his heart and he is with her again, both smiling at each other.</p><p>“So what is it that you want to tell me?”</p><p>He tries to keep smiling as he explains that the base has been discovered and a squadron will be there in a couple of days and she has to get out at whatever cost. She gives an understanding nod.</p><p>“Ok, I’ll do it. We’ll all do it. But if we have two days, we can use a bit of extra time right now, like this, right?”</p><p>In this emotion, with her looking at him like that, he cannot refuse. They sit down next to each other, leaning back to the wall they share. She lifts up her knees to rest against his belly, snuggling her feet between his legs, toes under his thigh. He snakes an arm around her, stroking her side and hip as she leans her head against his shoulder, at a perfect location for him to once in a while brush his chin against her brow and hair.</p><p>They chat about everything possible that is beautiful and unrelated to the war, fingers caressing each other’s knees in slow circles. When he becomes conscious of the time and starts to urge her to start preparing for evacuation, she lifts her head up to look at him, still reluctant to pull away.</p><p>“Do you still want to kiss me?”</p><p>“More than anything.”</p><p>“How about now?”</p><p>He is not totally sure about what to do. Her skin was so easy and smooth last time. Her mouth looks more complex, but he definitely wants to find out how to kiss it, too. So he leans towards her and slides his lips around her lower lip, closes them around it and pulls slightly back. He does the same to her upper lip, then to both of them together.</p><p>Her mouth is like a miracle, with tons of possibilities to explore. He approaches it from different angles, right at the middle, at either side, tilting his head to different degrees, until he finds a few positions that are just perfect. When getting used to it, she starts to respond more and more, until both of them laugh out of delight.</p><p>“I don’t know yet where I’m going next, but come with me, Ben. We could do this every day. That would be one way of going back.”</p><p>“Would it?”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>“But how would I leave everything behind?”</p><p>“You would just go, and the First Order would just have to deal with it.”</p><p>"What would be the other ways?"</p><p>Rey goes on to describe a few that first come to her mind and they proceed to making their plan.<br/>
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